I am a busy lady most days. Between taking everyone in my family to the doctor and getting my kiddos all the places they need to be, I am almost never alone--but that doesn't mean I am not lonely. I can always surround myself with people, but I am left wondering why they are around me. I can be a lot of fun, but here lately I cannot seem to get it together. I have been holding on to so much crap, that I am not my usual fun-loving self. I went out over the weekend and I just could not have fun....Friday night, I drank a beer out and I just honestly did not enjoy being in a bar. I was getting seriously hit on by a very attractive 22 year old and I just wanted to be out of the bar, normally I am a pretty flirty person, I can talk shit with the best but I couldn't muster up the energy to flirt back with him.
I need to find out what is fun to me now. I want to know what makes me truly happy. My kids bring me joy every day, but they will grow up and move on and have lives of their own and I will be all alone and have no idea what to do with myself. I know I have many years to figure this one out (the kids are 8 and 7) but I am so tired of not being happy. Sure, I have great friends that make me laugh and I absolutely love being with them, but I need to find happiness within me. I love to read and that usually is my escape from my hum-drum life and I have been reading a lot lately (I have already read 4 books this week) but I am reading about wonderful lives instead of living life.
I have always said life is too short to be miserable, but honestly I need to practice what I preach. I just have so much stuff to do for others, that it's hard to focus any attention on myself. As I am typing this, I realize how selfish I sound and I am upset with myself. I want to be everything for everyone yet that makes it impossible for me to have me time. I don't feel like a whole person most days--sure, I am a mom, daughter, grand-daughter, good friend, etc....but I am not a me, not really a person. What do I enjoy anymore (other than coffee I can't afford)?
It is such a hard question to answer. I am like a child of the 80s trying to find myself and I am probably the least corny person in the world so that is a hard realization. I need to find the best version of me, the version that I like and want to be around. I want to be fun and smile at strangers and laugh and learn to let go of the past and enjoy the blessings I have, I really do, but I am lost. I have great faith that one of these days, I will be happier than I have ever been with the person I am supposed to be with forever.
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