Exciting new things are on the homefront

So I knew my girl child was awesome but I didn't realize that she is also an artist.  She will have a drawing on display at the local university until May 2013.  I got an invitation to a reception and she will be honored with 30 other kids for her artistic ability!  Proud Momma moment :)

AND....I have a "real date" on Friday night.  Kinda stoked about going on a date.  I don't know too much about the person just yet--but he is age appropriate and seriously cute--who knows how things will turn out!  I am looking forward to laughing and smiling and just generally having a GREAT time.  I made it a double date with my closest friends, so I will have them to spur the conversation along.  The boy child of mine was happy for me, the temperamental artist girl child, not so much.  She has decided that I will not be allowed to date until she has left home for college--she really is a brat!  Her dad can live with and make a new baby and a new family, but she has fully decided that she is gonna show her ass for my mom while I am out on a date, so I will have all that drama to look forward to tomorrow evening--drats!!!!

Also, in Amyworld--I get to have lunch with a good friend tomorrow and I am really looking forward to seeing a good friend and talking and laughing with her for a bit.   And I have not heard from, nor texted, nor seen (even in passing) the person whom I gave up on--whew, I feel a little liberated about that one!  I have held strong on my decision to "give up" and emotionally, I am still feeling purty darn good about that choice.  I think that the timing of this date is essential in keeping me from getting weak and sending a text.  I want to be done with the other crap--all I have left to do is get a plate (from a dinner I took over there) back and return a cat carrier that I borrowed.  I will be doing those things when his car isn't there and when he isn't home--hopefully.

I always daydream when I meet someone new and they NEVER live up to my expectations but I am going into this date with an open mind and if nothing else, I will hopefully get a new friend out of the deal and friends are not a bad thing to have--I am lucky to have GREAT friends.  But on the other side of the coin, every first date could be with the love of your life, so I am prepared to at least try to be the most awesome me I can be on this date!  Wish me luck :)

The Brave Front

I am a busy lady most days.  Between taking everyone in my family to the doctor and getting my kiddos all the places they need to be, I am almost never alone--but that doesn't mean I am not lonely.  I can always surround myself with people, but I  am left wondering why they are around me.  I can be a lot of fun, but here lately I cannot seem to get it together.  I have been holding on to so much crap, that I am not my usual fun-loving self.  I went out over the weekend and I just could not have fun....Friday night, I drank a beer out and I just honestly did not enjoy being in a bar.  I was getting seriously hit on by a very attractive 22 year old and I just wanted to be out of the bar, normally I am a pretty flirty person, I can talk shit with the best but I couldn't muster up the energy to flirt back with him.

I need to find out what is fun to me now.  I want to know what makes me truly happy.  My kids bring me joy every day, but they will grow up and move on and have lives of their own and I will be all alone and have no idea what to do with myself.  I know I have many years to figure this one out (the kids are 8 and 7) but I am so tired of not being happy.  Sure, I have great friends that make me laugh and I absolutely love being with them, but I need to find happiness within me.  I love to read and that usually is my escape from my hum-drum life and I have been reading a lot lately (I have already read 4 books this week) but I am reading about wonderful lives instead of living life.

I have always said life is too short to be miserable, but honestly I need to practice what I preach.  I just have so much stuff to do for others, that it's hard to focus any attention on myself.  As I am typing this, I realize how selfish I sound and I am upset with myself.  I want to be everything for everyone yet that makes it impossible for me to have me time.  I don't feel like a whole person most days--sure, I am a mom, daughter, grand-daughter, good friend, etc....but I am not a me, not really a person.  What do I enjoy anymore (other than coffee I can't afford)?

It is such a hard question to answer.  I am like a child of the 80s trying to find myself and I am probably the least corny person in the world so that is a hard realization.  I need to find the best version of me, the version that I like and want to be around.  I want to be fun and smile at strangers and laugh and learn to let go of the past and enjoy the blessings I have, I really do, but I am lost.  I have great faith that one of these days, I will be happier than I have ever been with the person I am supposed to be with forever.

Not so happy endings

After I typed yesterday's blog post, I emailed the person I was "giving up on" a copy of my post.  It was therapeutic for me to get it out and for once in my life to get it out to the person it was directed towards.  I got a return email that said, "what was the innocent question and I am so sorry, I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings"  I didn't reply--quite frankly because I didn't want to reply--you literally cursed me out and then don't remember?   I actually got pretty angry because after all the heart pouring, the only thing he wanted to know was what he said....WTF?  Here I go again, pouring my heart and soul out and he just wants to know what he said...wow!  I am in full-blown pity party mode.

I ignored the whole thing and then around 6:30pm, I get a text from him, still wanting to know what he said--apparently it was bugging him.  I finally gave in and told him what he said and he apologized.  He also said "I enjoy your friendship".  All I could think was, I will bet you do enjoy my friendship.  I love you unconditionally, ask for NOTHING in return, do nice things like buy you birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and even make you an Easter basket.  I bring you food, give you a shoulder to lean on, let you say whatever you want to say and go home (most of the time) and you have NO responsibilty to be a friend to me.

After I go the kiddos to bed, I went to his house-uninvited and unannounced--totally prepared to let him have it all.  When I got there, he was in his PJs playing a video game and when I walked in, he hugged me tightly (doing that sweet back rubbing thing that drives me insane) and apologized.  After standing there for a few minutes, I was REALLY sad--we stepped outside on the porch and he sat and smoked a cigarette and tried to make small talk.  I smoked my cigarette and never sat down....I just wanted to leave.  Going over there made me way more sad than I intended.  I wanted to run away and not face this at all.  I had been totally okay with our status quo but last night I realized that I don't want him to be a part of my life.  The one thing I did say before I left was "I am sorry for giving up on you".  I am not sure why I said it--probably to make him feel better, but it honestly made me feel even worse.

It's an odd realization that you actually don't HAVE to be with someone you love.  It's like a light bulb goes off, that a-ha moment where you know that letting go is the better option for yourself.  It may not be the easiest decision, but sometimes it is the right decision. It may not be the best option for the other person, but he has to make his life better, I can't even try to do that anymore.  I feel to some degree liberated.  The situation needed closure and now I have turned a new page.  I will never forget what's in the prior chapter and appreciate it.  I will hopefully be able to move on without regret.  It make take a little while for me to not be sad, but I will get there....eventually

Giving up is hard to do....

Giving up is so hard.  We put time and effort into caring about others and sometimes, it's just not enough.  I have a person in my life whom I really do love with all my heart (which is a pretty big deal since I have been betrayed and hurt so many times before) but he can't accept that he is a person worth loving.  This situation is especially hard for me, because I can totally see his side of the coin.  I want to NOT give up but when you keep getting pushed away, you eventually get tired of trying. 

Here's how things went:

Last year, while finalizing my divorce, I reconnected with someone that I had a month long "relationship/booty call situation" with 12 years ago.  When I first met this person (years ago), I liked him immediately and would have dated him and life may be different if that had happened, but it didn't.  My sister and her husband gave him my phone number last year and we talked in May and decided to go out on a date.  We met at a restaurant and started talking and had a great time and I ended up spending the night with him that night and several other nights and he made me laugh and smile until my face hurt--he is to this day, the best kiss I have ever had--the kind of kiss that leaves you literally breathless.  I didn't know that I would react to his kiss like that at all after all this time--and to be quite honest, I feel like he is absolutely perfect for me.

We hung out a lot last year and finally he opened up and said that we could only be friends, he doesn't want to date anyone who has children.  He tells me in one breath that I am great and in the next breath that he doesn't want to see me anymore--it was weird for me, because as much as I care for him and wanted to cry, I understood his reasoning.  I didn't get all butt hurt about it and we decided to just be friends.  I can do the friendship, but occasionally I need someone to hug me and to touch someone that makes me feel great, so I continue to go back to see him even though I know there is no future.   Once in a blue moon, we make out and I swoon over the kissing but we haven't gone any futher than kissing in a LONG time.

At the beginning of the summer, I decided that as long as he was in my life, I would never look for anything more substantial so I decided to let him go.  I didn't contact him for a month and he texted me about a kitten that he had rescued and wanted to know if I wanted the kitty.  I went by to visit and see the cat, but then we sat on his porch and talked for hours--that has always been the nature of our relationship.  We talk.  Plain and simple.  We talk about life, work, the past and everything in between, he tells me things that I think he doesn't tell anyone else, but the point is, THAT is the part that I love about him--he opens up to me and I don't think he does that with many people (or anyone else).  He makes me smile.  If I want to talk, he listens, if I want to listen, he talks.

I continued to go over, occasionally taking him some food and just genuinely trying to make him see that even just being friends, I would not give up on him, that he is NOT a lost cause.  We would talk and I would go home and relive the conversation in my mind and my desire for him was yet again growing deep in my heart.  How could this wonderful man not see how much impact he has on my life or in my heart.  I have actually gotten to the point where now, it hurts me to go there and see how miserable he feels ALL THE TIME.  I love his smile and his wit, but lately, he hasn't had that same sparkle in his eyes.  He has had some health issues and I tried my best to be there, without judgement, for him and to show him that I am a loyal friend that cares deeply about him.  I wanted him to see that I wouldn't give up on him. 

But now, I think it's time to give up.  I went by last Friday night to say hi and he was in a particularly foul mood (something happened at work that he wouldn't elaborate on) and I was really concerned about him.  I stayed the night, rubbed his stomach, and his back and we just finally fell asleep and I felt like he needed to not be alone.  Saturday night, after going out with my cousin, I stopped by just to check to make sure he was okay and we talked for a minute. Before I left, I asked an innocent question and he literally started cussing me out.  I tried like hell not to take it personally, but it hurt me to my core.  I have a lot of self-respect and someone cussing at me and making the generalized statement that "women are all the same--trying to run his life" really hurt.  I generally have enough confidence to know that all women are not the same and I have NEVER judged anything that he has done or said to me and to get lumped in with ALL other women makes me think that maybe I am not special to him.  I want to be special to someone and more specifically to him but I am NEVER going to be an important part of his life and that stings, so giving up on someone is not easy, but it may be time.  Hell, it's probably past time--I guess if he had cussed at me and yelled at me over something stupid, I would've been out of his life a long time ago!

I have promised myself now that I won't be a person who cares any longer.  I have to save what's left of myself and my heart for someone who wants and appreciates my loyalty, compassion and kindness.  I want to be loved and this person is not capable of loving me.  I know that I am not a supermodel and that there are lots of other more attractive people out there, but I have always felt that my personality made up for what I lack in appearance.  I really do care about him and want him to be happy and healthy and maybe me not being in his life will make that possible.  I have come to the conclusion that maybe me being a part of his life was making him unhappy and I need to give him some space.

I am not a self-pity kind of person, but I am sad.  I need to breath and put this all behind me, and who knows what life has in store for me........but, I give up

It's not easy being me

Haven't been around for a while because NOTHING really fun has happened to me.  I have had plenty of things happen, just none I would describe as fun.  Since my last post, I have had an abnormal mammogram (that turned out fine-after extra "mashing" to the boobs), my Mom had emergency surgery to repair a hernia,  and my ex took me to court to amend our custody order to suit him and his new family better.   I was really stressing through September but all has worked out for the best and everyone is all better.

I have been doing a little introspection lately--trying to figure out what makes me tick....I am trying to lose some of this bottled up anger, but it isn't going anywhere.  I am seriously trying to figure out how to let anger go--it's not easy.

So today, after seeing a blog about "I am ...." , I decided to write down the things that I like about me so here goes:

I am Amy

I am a single mother of 2 great kids (because or in spite of me-not sure which)

I am a great friend, I love, respect and appreciate all of my friends

I am fun....I am the get in the car for 2 hours Mom to see a big ball of yarn or go out and make my friends laugh until their faces hurt

...

I am angry--my ex cheated on me with my friend and made a baby, so yes, I get to be angry sometimes

I yell.....when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am mad--sometimes I go outside and scream just because it feels good

I sing and dance in the car and don't care if anyone sees me

I am not thin...so what?

I love and take care of my family with all that I have to give. My Mother lives with me and I take her everywhere she needs to be and am happy to do it. I also thank God that she is still with me when other people no longer have their parents. I work with/talk to my Dad everyday and I am so thankful that he is a part of my daily life!

I am the best me I can be :)

 

I realize that I have tons to be thankful for, but like everyone else, I get bogged down in the details and have a great big old pity party.  I am trying to work through my issues......one day at a time :)

 

Well this was an interesting weekend.  I think I may be getting old--I had no desire to be out in a bar this past weekend.  I took the children to their dad's house Friday night and then drove all the way to Botetourt County to stay with friends at a cabin which is about 20 miles west of BFE.  We drank some beer on Friday night, caught a little buzz, and then survived what appeared (the next morning) to be a tornado.  For about 30 minutes, the wind blew so hard 40 foot tall pine trees tried to kiss the ground and some trees were just broken in two.  Overall, a decent--albeit hot--weekend with nothing exciting happening!

Introduction

Since this is my first time "blogging", I will introduce myself.  I am a 35 year old mother of 2 who lives with her disbled mother who is slightly crazy!  I am divorced-my exhusband was working out of town and cheated on me and made a baby (whilst still married) with my ex best friend, you can't make this shit up-it's like a bad lifetime movie!  I will use exclamation points in excess, parenthesis at will, and -- all the time--if these things bother you, stop reading NOW!!!!  My children are 7 and 8 (and for 9 days every year, they are the same age) so they fight ALL the time.  They go to their father's house every other weekend, so I go out and act like I am young, beautiful and have no baggage when they are there!  I work for my Dad, doing pretty much nothing all day so I shall have plenty of time to entertain you with the fabulous and not-so-fabulous anticdotes about my daily life.  Happy reading :)