After I typed yesterday's blog post, I emailed the person I was "giving up on" a copy of my post. It was therapeutic for me to get it out and for once in my life to get it out to the person it was directed towards. I got a return email that said, "what was the innocent question and I am so sorry, I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings" I didn't reply--quite frankly because I didn't want to reply--you literally cursed me out and then don't remember? I actually got pretty angry because after all the heart pouring, the only thing he wanted to know was what he said....WTF? Here I go again, pouring my heart and soul out and he just wants to know what he said...wow! I am in full-blown pity party mode.
I ignored the whole thing and then around 6:30pm, I get a text from him, still wanting to know what he said--apparently it was bugging him. I finally gave in and told him what he said and he apologized. He also said "I enjoy your friendship". All I could think was, I will bet you do enjoy my friendship. I love you unconditionally, ask for NOTHING in return, do nice things like buy you birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and even make you an Easter basket. I bring you food, give you a shoulder to lean on, let you say whatever you want to say and go home (most of the time) and you have NO responsibilty to be a friend to me.
After I go the kiddos to bed, I went to his house-uninvited and unannounced--totally prepared to let him have it all. When I got there, he was in his PJs playing a video game and when I walked in, he hugged me tightly (doing that sweet back rubbing thing that drives me insane) and apologized. After standing there for a few minutes, I was REALLY sad--we stepped outside on the porch and he sat and smoked a cigarette and tried to make small talk. I smoked my cigarette and never sat down....I just wanted to leave. Going over there made me way more sad than I intended. I wanted to run away and not face this at all. I had been totally okay with our status quo but last night I realized that I don't want him to be a part of my life. The one thing I did say before I left was "I am sorry for giving up on you". I am not sure why I said it--probably to make him feel better, but it honestly made me feel even worse.
It's an odd realization that you actually don't HAVE to be with someone you love. It's like a light bulb goes off, that a-ha moment where you know that letting go is the better option for yourself. It may not be the easiest decision, but sometimes it is the right decision. It may not be the best option for the other person, but he has to make his life better, I can't even try to do that anymore. I feel to some degree liberated. The situation needed closure and now I have turned a new page. I will never forget what's in the prior chapter and appreciate it. I will hopefully be able to move on without regret. It make take a little while for me to not be sad, but I will get there....eventually
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