Giving up is so hard. We put time and effort into caring about others and sometimes, it's just not enough. I have a person in my life whom I really do love with all my heart (which is a pretty big deal since I have been betrayed and hurt so many times before) but he can't accept that he is a person worth loving. This situation is especially hard for me, because I can totally see his side of the coin. I want to NOT give up but when you keep getting pushed away, you eventually get tired of trying.
Here's how things went:
Last year, while finalizing my divorce, I reconnected with someone that I had a month long "relationship/booty call situation" with 12 years ago. When I first met this person (years ago), I liked him immediately and would have dated him and life may be different if that had happened, but it didn't. My sister and her husband gave him my phone number last year and we talked in May and decided to go out on a date. We met at a restaurant and started talking and had a great time and I ended up spending the night with him that night and several other nights and he made me laugh and smile until my face hurt--he is to this day, the best kiss I have ever had--the kind of kiss that leaves you literally breathless. I didn't know that I would react to his kiss like that at all after all this time--and to be quite honest, I feel like he is absolutely perfect for me.
We hung out a lot last year and finally he opened up and said that we could only be friends, he doesn't want to date anyone who has children. He tells me in one breath that I am great and in the next breath that he doesn't want to see me anymore--it was weird for me, because as much as I care for him and wanted to cry, I understood his reasoning. I didn't get all butt hurt about it and we decided to just be friends. I can do the friendship, but occasionally I need someone to hug me and to touch someone that makes me feel great, so I continue to go back to see him even though I know there is no future. Once in a blue moon, we make out and I swoon over the kissing but we haven't gone any futher than kissing in a LONG time.
At the beginning of the summer, I decided that as long as he was in my life, I would never look for anything more substantial so I decided to let him go. I didn't contact him for a month and he texted me about a kitten that he had rescued and wanted to know if I wanted the kitty. I went by to visit and see the cat, but then we sat on his porch and talked for hours--that has always been the nature of our relationship. We talk. Plain and simple. We talk about life, work, the past and everything in between, he tells me things that I think he doesn't tell anyone else, but the point is, THAT is the part that I love about him--he opens up to me and I don't think he does that with many people (or anyone else). He makes me smile. If I want to talk, he listens, if I want to listen, he talks.
I continued to go over, occasionally taking him some food and just genuinely trying to make him see that even just being friends, I would not give up on him, that he is NOT a lost cause. We would talk and I would go home and relive the conversation in my mind and my desire for him was yet again growing deep in my heart. How could this wonderful man not see how much impact he has on my life or in my heart. I have actually gotten to the point where now, it hurts me to go there and see how miserable he feels ALL THE TIME. I love his smile and his wit, but lately, he hasn't had that same sparkle in his eyes. He has had some health issues and I tried my best to be there, without judgement, for him and to show him that I am a loyal friend that cares deeply about him. I wanted him to see that I wouldn't give up on him.
But now, I think it's time to give up. I went by last Friday night to say hi and he was in a particularly foul mood (something happened at work that he wouldn't elaborate on) and I was really concerned about him. I stayed the night, rubbed his stomach, and his back and we just finally fell asleep and I felt like he needed to not be alone. Saturday night, after going out with my cousin, I stopped by just to check to make sure he was okay and we talked for a minute. Before I left, I asked an innocent question and he literally started cussing me out. I tried like hell not to take it personally, but it hurt me to my core. I have a lot of self-respect and someone cussing at me and making the generalized statement that "women are all the same--trying to run his life" really hurt. I generally have enough confidence to know that all women are not the same and I have NEVER judged anything that he has done or said to me and to get lumped in with ALL other women makes me think that maybe I am not special to him. I want to be special to someone and more specifically to him but I am NEVER going to be an important part of his life and that stings, so giving up on someone is not easy, but it may be time. Hell, it's probably past time--I guess if he had cussed at me and yelled at me over something stupid, I would've been out of his life a long time ago!
I have promised myself now that I won't be a person who cares any longer. I have to save what's left of myself and my heart for someone who wants and appreciates my loyalty, compassion and kindness. I want to be loved and this person is not capable of loving me. I know that I am not a supermodel and that there are lots of other more attractive people out there, but I have always felt that my personality made up for what I lack in appearance. I really do care about him and want him to be happy and healthy and maybe me not being in his life will make that possible. I have come to the conclusion that maybe me being a part of his life was making him unhappy and I need to give him some space.
I am not a self-pity kind of person, but I am sad. I need to breath and put this all behind me, and who knows what life has in store for me........but, I give up
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